Saturday, April 28, 2007

why i blog

It has been so fun to hear responses back from everyone about my first two blogs. It makes me feel validated in what I am doing, that I don't totally suck. I wish sometimes that I was the type of person that didn't need any validation, that I could walk through life with no self doubt or fear. But I do, I like to know that others think that what I am doing is ok, that I am "normal" somehow. Don't get me wrong I'm not some sappy push over, age and maturity have given me the ability to stand up for myself and I am learning more every day that it is ok to be myself.

I received an email from a friend of mine (who I will leave anonymous of course) who confided in me that she herself had attempted blogging and journaling and was sure that she was terrible at it. In this email was also admitted what a personal and private thing this was for her. This is something that I myself have thought a lot about over the past few days. My husband was very surprised when I told him I was starting to write again, he was shocked when I admitted to him that I was posting it on the internet.

My writing has always been a very personal and private thing for me. Most of what I write I hord and keep close, rarely even letting my husband read it. (I know this drives him crazy) I have been especially protective of anything written over the past few years. So what at this point in my life has driven me to start writing again. And what is it thats makes me want to post it? Why am I suddenly ok with other people reading about me and knowing my inner thoughts?

I don't think that it is so much that I am suddenly feeling overtly free and open with myself. To be honest there is a part of me that is terrified for people to read my thoughts, the part of me that is always there, always a little unsure, always a little cautious. Perhaps it is becuase for the first time in my life the other voice in my head is louder then my unsure voice. My new voice, the one that is happy with herself, happy with the direction of her life. Not just happy with my husband and children....which is important. But something deeper, the coming to terms with ones own thoughts and feelings and values. That deep breath we take at some point in our lives and say "ok, this is me".

We all feel the pressure, to be the people our parents raised us and desired for us to be. To be the person that society and religion and the media, ect, ect. want us to be. But in the end I am finding that if I am ever to have any peace with myself I have to push all of the "people I should be/ could be, whatever" out of my head and just be the me that hovers inside, the me that i know could be amazing and wonderful and proud, if I would just let her out.

It has been my lifelong battle to be comfortable with myself and I think this blogging is partly an attempt of mine to say Hey, here I am, this is me and I am ok with that.

In the end it all comes back to my children, as everything in life seems to right now. My greatest desire and goal is for them to be strong confident children. To become individuals that are comfortable enough with themselves to hear that inner voice and become the characters that they truly desire to be. Regardless of who I want them to be, or society wants them to be, blah blah blah. I want to be a good example if that. So finally, at the age of 27, with two children already growing and relying on me I am finally shouting to the world. Hey, here I am, this is me, and I am ok with that. It is about time, and to my two babies....this is for you. Follow in my foosteps.... follow that overused cliche "just be yourself, that is enough"

And if you need validation for that, thats alright, as long as you are strong enough to validate yourself and your choices first. And if you doubt yourself sometimes, that's ok too, it is healthy as far as I am concerned. A little self doubt keeps us humble, just don't let that self doubt become louder or stronger then you can handle. I know from experience how crippling that can be.

(alright I sound nuts! Voices in my head, coo coo!!!)