Saturday, April 28, 2007

Left Hook and is all over for pretty boy

Well my wife told me to write, cause she has been inspired lately. On the other hand I can write worth shit. But since I want to support my beautiful wife and best friend I will attempt to put my thoughts in paper. First you must know that is close to May 5, not May 4 which would be when Spiderman 3 comes out, but May 5 is called "The World Awaits" or some crap like that. Translation De la Hoya vs Mayweather so that is all I have in my head, boxing, boxing, boxing and work. Which drives my wife nuts, but she is very paitence and humors me a whole lot. None the less I have been a De la Hoya fan for many years, and I think he is going to be in a lot of trouble, cause F***ing Mayweather is a hell of a boxer, nonetheless he doesn't have the power or the drive of a great champ like De la Hoya and he has no one punch knock out. And if you are still reading this u are problaby getting bored if you don't like boxing or you might care what the hell is inside my head at the moment. Well thank you, thank you very much for reading this. And De la Hoya is going to win, by decision or Knock out, but in the case that he might not win, which is a posibility, don't attempt to conctact me, or feel pitty for me cause I will cuss u out, and I'm not kidding. Well isn't this been a waiste of 5 minutes in your life that you won't get back. Ha Ha Ha. First time blogger and Retired Blogger. Unless De La Hoya Wins!!!!

why i blog

It has been so fun to hear responses back from everyone about my first two blogs. It makes me feel validated in what I am doing, that I don't totally suck. I wish sometimes that I was the type of person that didn't need any validation, that I could walk through life with no self doubt or fear. But I do, I like to know that others think that what I am doing is ok, that I am "normal" somehow. Don't get me wrong I'm not some sappy push over, age and maturity have given me the ability to stand up for myself and I am learning more every day that it is ok to be myself.

I received an email from a friend of mine (who I will leave anonymous of course) who confided in me that she herself had attempted blogging and journaling and was sure that she was terrible at it. In this email was also admitted what a personal and private thing this was for her. This is something that I myself have thought a lot about over the past few days. My husband was very surprised when I told him I was starting to write again, he was shocked when I admitted to him that I was posting it on the internet.

My writing has always been a very personal and private thing for me. Most of what I write I hord and keep close, rarely even letting my husband read it. (I know this drives him crazy) I have been especially protective of anything written over the past few years. So what at this point in my life has driven me to start writing again. And what is it thats makes me want to post it? Why am I suddenly ok with other people reading about me and knowing my inner thoughts?

I don't think that it is so much that I am suddenly feeling overtly free and open with myself. To be honest there is a part of me that is terrified for people to read my thoughts, the part of me that is always there, always a little unsure, always a little cautious. Perhaps it is becuase for the first time in my life the other voice in my head is louder then my unsure voice. My new voice, the one that is happy with herself, happy with the direction of her life. Not just happy with my husband and children....which is important. But something deeper, the coming to terms with ones own thoughts and feelings and values. That deep breath we take at some point in our lives and say "ok, this is me".

We all feel the pressure, to be the people our parents raised us and desired for us to be. To be the person that society and religion and the media, ect, ect. want us to be. But in the end I am finding that if I am ever to have any peace with myself I have to push all of the "people I should be/ could be, whatever" out of my head and just be the me that hovers inside, the me that i know could be amazing and wonderful and proud, if I would just let her out.

It has been my lifelong battle to be comfortable with myself and I think this blogging is partly an attempt of mine to say Hey, here I am, this is me and I am ok with that.

In the end it all comes back to my children, as everything in life seems to right now. My greatest desire and goal is for them to be strong confident children. To become individuals that are comfortable enough with themselves to hear that inner voice and become the characters that they truly desire to be. Regardless of who I want them to be, or society wants them to be, blah blah blah. I want to be a good example if that. So finally, at the age of 27, with two children already growing and relying on me I am finally shouting to the world. Hey, here I am, this is me, and I am ok with that. It is about time, and to my two babies....this is for you. Follow in my foosteps.... follow that overused cliche "just be yourself, that is enough"

And if you need validation for that, thats alright, as long as you are strong enough to validate yourself and your choices first. And if you doubt yourself sometimes, that's ok too, it is healthy as far as I am concerned. A little self doubt keeps us humble, just don't let that self doubt become louder or stronger then you can handle. I know from experience how crippling that can be.

(alright I sound nuts! Voices in my head, coo coo!!!)

Thursday, April 26, 2007


This morning my children wanted to play playdough. I love for them to express their creativity and playdough is my daughters favorite activity. However, it is one of the more messy activities that goes on here at our house. So while I watched from the kitchen sink where i enjoyed the fun chore of washing dishes, nicolas and amy spread out over the kitchen table.... In minutes they had opened every single jar of playdough in the house. I may sound anal but i prefer for them to choose one color at a time so that they don't all mix together and i reminded them of this.

I left my two little monsters for a minute while I ran upstairs to change a load of laundry....from the laundry room i heard screams and laughter and I smiled to myself that they were playing together so well. A few minutes later as I came back down the stairs I realized that the house was silent. I froze mid step and listened....not becuase I was afraid something was wrong but because I know my little devils and the mischeif that they can create..... In my house silence means that they are up to something.... tip toeing down the stairs I peaked around the corner..nothing... down the hallway....into the dining room... HA they had already heard me and I was overtaken by two screaming little creatures rushing me from under the table.... On top of the table was a colorful mesh of playdough, embedded with every action figure / barbie doll they could find.

My first instinct is to be annoyed...all of that playdough mixed into some kind of putrid concotion... I quickly calculated just how long it was going to take me to pick it out of the tiny crevices of barbie doll toes and Ninja turtle swords.... Then I saw the grinning faces of my children. So proud of there masterpiece. So proud of sneaking up on mommy; my heart melted.

So today i spent the morning with playdough and action figures. It was messy and yucky and fun. It is easy to forget the joy of creating when we are adults. Caught up in the monotony and work of everyday life we forget the joy of squishing playdough between our fingers. They fun of molding something wonderful and then smashing it to a flat puddle and then starting over again.

Measured by the things that I crossed off of my to do list this was an unproductive morning. But measured by they joy in my childrens eyes and then relaxing of mommies heart it was imeasurable. For a few hours I wasn't mommy with rules and chores and caution. I was a kid with them, creating and discoverying, laughing and being silly.

It is so important as parent to step back from the rush of life sometimes and really play with our kids. Get our hands dirty and laugh with them. To remember what it felt like to see the world with innoncent eyes and hearts. I hope to always remember to step back and look at the world through their eyes. To always be able to jump in and play and laugh with them, no matter how messy.

Being a mother

i have heard that blogging is a great way to journal and get back into the writing frame of mind. I don't write much of anything anymore, not since my mom died. I had always wanted to write, but who has time for that anymore! Now with being a stay at home mom and helping with our business I find myself more and more on a toddler level then a creative writing or thinking level. The great tragic events of my day involve weather it is to wet and rainy to go to the park or not. Thank goodness for moms club, the moms of my playgroup are my sanity, somedays if marcelo is working late they are my only adult contact! It is great to let my little monkeys run around with the kids and just sit and talk with other stay at home moms who can relate to what we are all doing and going through. Todays conversation at playgroup has got me thinking a lot about what it is that I am doing as a mom....

I love being a mom, I will openly admit it is the single hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. On the other hand it is the greatest and most fullfilling experience of my life as well. My kids are at such a transition period right now. Nicolas will be starting kindergarden in the fall and Amy will be starting preschool...(how can I be old enough to have 2 kids in school!). It is an emotional time for me to watch my babies start branching out on there own. For so long now we have been each others entire universe and it a sweet mix of joy and trepedation to watch them begin to make new relationships and have experiences away from me.

As a mom you want to wrap them up tight and shield them from the terrors and pain of the outside world. Especially after events like yesterday shooting in want to wisk them away to some imaginary world where there is no hate or war or conflict. But as a mom you also want them to grow and be strong and confident well rounded individuals. I want them to know and understand that there is good and bad in the world...and how to choose and be strong. So you let them go and grow and become their own people and smile as there little personalities develop and blossom. Every day they amaze me with their independance and their knowledge.

Even at such a young age they have such distinct personalities. Nicolas is my little superhero...he is such a mix of emotions, at times tuff and independant, other times so sweet and sensitive. He is always performing... imagining... and questioning everything. I don't always have the answers for him but i try. He is a happy kid. I pray that the joy in his voice and that special spark that burns in his eyes will always be there, that i can create a life and world for him that will always be full joy and happiness.

Amy is my spitfire. She is cautious of people and experiences that she doesn't know, sometimes unsure of herself.....but fiercly independant... At her core she is tuff and strong and even defiant at times. She is my troublemaker.... beautiful and amazing and she knows it. My little mama's girl...always attatched at my hip, she looks nothing like me but still we are so much alike... She has a spirit that is ready to take over the world and enough timidity to keep her in check. For her I wish to teach the self confidence that I didn't have as a teach her that she is a beautiful women who can do anything and everything...
I want them to know that life can be magical and wonderful and to embrace whatever it is her heart desires without fear...without doubt.

Every day I pray to be good enough for them, strong enough for them... My whole world.