Thursday, April 26, 2007

Being a mother

i have heard that blogging is a great way to journal and get back into the writing frame of mind. I don't write much of anything anymore, not since my mom died. I had always wanted to write, but who has time for that anymore! Now with being a stay at home mom and helping with our business I find myself more and more on a toddler level then a creative writing or thinking level. The great tragic events of my day involve weather it is to wet and rainy to go to the park or not. Thank goodness for moms club, the moms of my playgroup are my sanity, somedays if marcelo is working late they are my only adult contact! It is great to let my little monkeys run around with the kids and just sit and talk with other stay at home moms who can relate to what we are all doing and going through. Todays conversation at playgroup has got me thinking a lot about what it is that I am doing as a mom....

I love being a mom, I will openly admit it is the single hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. On the other hand it is the greatest and most fullfilling experience of my life as well. My kids are at such a transition period right now. Nicolas will be starting kindergarden in the fall and Amy will be starting preschool...(how can I be old enough to have 2 kids in school!). It is an emotional time for me to watch my babies start branching out on there own. For so long now we have been each others entire universe and it a sweet mix of joy and trepedation to watch them begin to make new relationships and have experiences away from me.

As a mom you want to wrap them up tight and shield them from the terrors and pain of the outside world. Especially after events like yesterday shooting in want to wisk them away to some imaginary world where there is no hate or war or conflict. But as a mom you also want them to grow and be strong and confident well rounded individuals. I want them to know and understand that there is good and bad in the world...and how to choose and be strong. So you let them go and grow and become their own people and smile as there little personalities develop and blossom. Every day they amaze me with their independance and their knowledge.

Even at such a young age they have such distinct personalities. Nicolas is my little superhero...he is such a mix of emotions, at times tuff and independant, other times so sweet and sensitive. He is always performing... imagining... and questioning everything. I don't always have the answers for him but i try. He is a happy kid. I pray that the joy in his voice and that special spark that burns in his eyes will always be there, that i can create a life and world for him that will always be full joy and happiness.

Amy is my spitfire. She is cautious of people and experiences that she doesn't know, sometimes unsure of herself.....but fiercly independant... At her core she is tuff and strong and even defiant at times. She is my troublemaker.... beautiful and amazing and she knows it. My little mama's girl...always attatched at my hip, she looks nothing like me but still we are so much alike... She has a spirit that is ready to take over the world and enough timidity to keep her in check. For her I wish to teach the self confidence that I didn't have as a teach her that she is a beautiful women who can do anything and everything...
I want them to know that life can be magical and wonderful and to embrace whatever it is her heart desires without fear...without doubt.

Every day I pray to be good enough for them, strong enough for them... My whole world.